Style:
I hate when I see homeless people wearing better cloths than me.
-Mitchel Campbell 

The Hunger Games:
Get two Collards Together and a buffet happens. 
-Aaron Bell

Literary greats:
Nothing ruins a book like a bad author. 
– Steven 2015

Life Hack:
When everyone's being a dick, stop acting like a pussy. 
– Mark Collard 2015

Values:
I brought doughnuts and a cape! -Korbin (age 3); {enthusiastically} Doughnuts! -Aaron (age 31); {eyes locked in an uncomfortable pause} And a cape! -Korbin
-Korbin Collard & Aaron Bell

Diet plan:
I just watch my calorie intake until I loose control, and then start again the next day. 
-Cory Weeks

All the single ladies: 
Boys always have all the power because they have the power to make you single, and turn you into one of 'those'.
-Kasi Richards 

Join in any reindeer games:
I won kissing tag; nobody every caught me.
-Kurt Collard

Genius with a Capital J:
I wonder who's idea it was to put marshmallows on yams. It was a pretty good one. -Kevin; That same person was putting marshmallows on everything! Yams are just the ones that stuck. -Steven
-Kevin D. Bell & J. Steven Collard

Married with Children:
Whenever you feel bad about being a bachelor, we can go back.
-Aaron C. Bell

Cooking a Sabbath Meal:
Kurt, are your hands clean? -Aaron; Yes, but my heart's not pure. -Kurt
-Aaron C. Bell & Kurt Collard

Make Good Decisions:
I've eaten a great deal of candy today, but if I'm to maintain my figure, I'll need to get some fast food soon.
-Kurt Collard

Personal Growth:
Muscle shirts become belly shirts.
-J. Steven Collard

An Honest Day's Work:
It took all day! But not all of that was work; some of that was resting.
-J. Steven Collard

Not Single, Available:
Most people are single for a reason. And the reason is not choice.
-Kasi Richards

Intellect:
I'm hungrier than I am smart.
-Aaron C. Bell

Cover Photos Psychology Today:
Oh, and there's a silhouetted nipple. It's dark, so it's not porn.
-Aaron C. Bell

Friendship:
That's something that can be considered true of half the people you know: They are better friends because of their boobs.
-Kurt Collard

The Inquisitive Mind:
Do you think infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
-J. Steven Collard

Belief:
I can't be hypnotized; it's impossible! I tell my hypnotist every Friday when I go over to wash his car.
-Steve Carver (suspect source)

Internal Drive:
I think I just lost my pencil, and with it, my ambition.
-Mark D. Collard

Social Networking:
Kevin! I just thought of something GENIUS. Lying about our age! -Kurt; A, duh! I've been 22 for years. -Kevin
-Kevin D. Bell & Kurt Collard

Being Friendly:
By the way, if a real sex offender comes by, don't make him waffles.
-Mitchell Campbell

Returned Missionaries:
We raised the bar, and they continue to come home naive.
-Christopher G. Albrecht

Relative Truth:
. . . that's because Hometeaching is not true in a singles ward. In fact, the church is not true in a singles ward.
-Christopher G. Albrecht

God:
There's no way anyone can believe He has a perfect body. He doesn't even have ears.
-Kevin D. Bell

Furniture Shopping:
Do you actually have that couch here to make your other couches look better?
-Aaron C. Bell

RC Willey's:
What's the technical name for the one seater? - Aaron; Chair. -Sarah
-Aaron C. Bell & Sarah Schofield

Artificial Flavoring:
That would be the end of me, if they didn't have fake sugar. I'd either be miserable or huge!
-Christopher G. Albrecht

Real-Life Applications of the Gospel:
Lucifer is the son of the morning. -Aaron; That's why waking up sucks so bad! -Bio
Aaron C. Bell & Christopher G. Albrecht

Moto:
It's never too late for hate. I live by that.
-Kurt Collard

Boob Size:
I'm pretty sure that has something to do with premortal worthiness.
-J. Steven Collard

Outside of Sunday School:
You ever listen to pioneer stories? God had to have hated them!
-Kevin D. Bell

Making Ends Meet:
There's a huge difference between being cheap and being frugal.
-Mom Collard

Ala-Ka-Zam!:
Farts are like magic. If you have a pretty girl, it will make her go away. If you do not have a pretty girl. It will make her show up.
-Kevin D. Bell

Wisdom:
the secret to successful dating is effectively dealing with awkward situations.
-Aaron C. Bell

Optimism in Disaster:
Well, at least she knows that you're not a player.
-Kasi Richards

Life Stinks:
If it's true that girls are attracted to jerks, it shouldn't be a surprise that they're attracted to farts.
-Kevin D. Bell

Couple's Retreat:
I didn't know that sin could be synergetic.
-Kevin D. Bell

Effects of Caring too Much:
I was trying to show Kurt that I don't care about he environment. And I think I would care about the environment if it wasn't for the damn liberals and hippies.
-Christopher G. Albrecht

The Lord's Justice:
If you don't give Him credit for all the good things then you're being ungrateful, but if you blame Him for the bad then you're lacking faith. It's like God's up there saying, I've got the best of both worlds. they can't blame Me for any of the bad stuff, but i get credit for all the good stuff.
-Christopher G. Albrecht

Sacrament Meeting:
It's not enough that the spirit quickens you. it ought to quicken the meeting. 
-Kurt Collard

Uncomfortable Silence:
What's the opposite of ignorant?
-Kurt Collard

Cruel Intentions:
If I ever meet Mother Nature, I'm gonna punch her in the face for the Spring of 2010.
-Matthew Call

Work Friends:
I'm not generally considered a work-a-holic. In most circles, I'm thought of as resourcefully lazy.
-Kurt Collard

Group Activities:
In the same way that women have been known to use the restroom in groups, men have been know to attack a buffet in packs.
-Kurt Collard

Institute People:
. . . and when the retard hit himself, I was the only one that laughed.
-Kevin D. Bell

Order's Up:
Did I get bigger, or did all of this get smaller?
-Aaron C. Bell

Bryana:
We're gonna start calling you Miss. Information.
-Mark D. Collard

Internetting:
I don't Facebook because I've got better things to do on the internet.
-Kurt Collard

Dieting with Bryana: 
Her diet’s really strict; she only eats things she likes.
-Mark D. Collard

Mayonnaise & Miracle Whip: 
I’m pretty sure it’s the same stuff. It’s just that when it goes bad they call it Miracle whip and then they resell it.
-Aaron C. Bell

Free Time:
Women do lots of stuff instead of sports. They used to scrapbook, now they blog. Before that they churned butter.
-Kurt Collard

Feeling Defensive?
Hey, I’ve been brushing me teeth! She only made me once. I did it twice on my own.
-Mark D. Collard

Loosing the Will to Live:
Can you die of abstinence? It might be fatal; it feels fatal.
-Kurt Collard

Virginity:
Abstinence is the bane of my existence.
-Kurt Collard

Self-Served:
You know what’s great about this salad? No lettuce!
-J. David Collard

Sabbath day Sports:
Yeah, they canceled church this week. -Kurt; No they didn’t. We’re getting a new bishop this week. -‘kenzie; No, they are. They’re having it next week instead. -Kevin; And it’ll be twice as long! Two hours instead of the usual one. -Aaron 
-Kurt, ‘kenzie, Kevin & Aaron

Boredom and Eternity:
Do you ever think that God just does stuff to mess with their faith, just to make it hard?
-Christopher George Albrecht

Dairy: 
I’ve just got this thing about eating foods where I’m the second one to digest it.
-J. David Collard

Abstinence:
My hormones deserve more whores and more moans than they’re getting.
-Kevin D. Bell

Marriage:
No sex and no jokes. Sounds like church.
-Kevin D. Bell

The Secret to Attraction:
The day that women started wearing sented lotions was pivotal in youth dating. Some of them smell like fruit smoothies! “Love Spell”? More like “Sweet Tooth”! But what they don’t seem to understand is that if you smell like candy, you only attract fat guys.
-Kurt Collard

Passion:
All men love boobs, but only real boobs love us back.
-Kurt Collard

An Explanation:
Well, it just comes off as bossy, when you tell people what to do.
-Kurt Collard

Culinary Masterpiece: 
Cooking is the art of warming up.
-J. Steven Collard

Achieving Godhood:
I was telling Kasi how I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to bring children into this awful world, and then I thought: Well, we are trying to be more like our Father in heaven, so maybe I should have a bunch of kids and then ignore them.
-Aaron C. Bell

The Sweet Taste of Mortality:
Sometimes I wonder what my nieces were thinking just before they came down to this earth. Where they like: "Yippee", or "Ah crap." I mean the first thing that happens is they get a slap on the bottom like “Welcome, there’s your first taste of the life to come."
-Aaron C. Bell

Institute:
What’s a wino? -Nameless idiot; Huge smelly animal, big horn. Come on! -Kurt
-Kurt & Nameless Institute Rat

The Impossible Gospel:
Jesus said ‘love everyone.’ but I can’t even like ‘em.
-Christopher G. Albrecht

Bread: 
‘I always make sure they’re soft. I never bring out hard ones.’ -Aaron; ‘That’s what she said.’ -Steven
-Aaron Bell & Steven Collard

Nicknames: 
You can call me either “Killer” or “Puddins.” I’ll answer to either one.
-J David Collard

The Heart of a Warrior:
What weapons? Like a battle axe? -Kurt; Na, I’ll probably just use a gun, so I don’t have to get too sweaty. -Bio
-Christopher G. Albrecht & Kurt Collard

Pro-Wrestling: 
It’s a Soap Opera for men!
-Christopher G. Albrecht

Ice-Coffee & Hot Drinks:
God’s sight is only heat sensitive, so you’re good.
-Kurt Collard

Thinning out the herd:
I mean think about it. We’re loosing a TON of pretty girls to obesity.
-Kevin D. Bell

Sex:
I’m worried about the sweat. In fact I often wonder if perhaps we shouldn’t have a LARGE master bedroom with two beds. One is the master bed and the other is the Master-Bedder. That’d be across from the Master-Bather.
-Kurt Collard

Keeping the Sabbath:
The leading cause of my poor priesthood attendance is Sunday School! They make you sit through that and then expect you to keep going.
-Aaron C. Bell

A bit too honest?
I’ve been adding some color to my cheeks by rafting naked all day! Be home Sunday.     -Aaron C. Bell

Does size matter?
What’s with the tiny balloon? -Ryan; You’re tellin’ me. (Pause) He’s a grower, not a shower. -Kate; What the heck! -Ryan
-Ryan & Kate Hellewell

Geography:
So, are you from WESTconsin? -Kate; Yeah, is there a NORTHconsin? -Steven
-Kate Hellewell & J. Steven Collard

Disappointment:
What’s the point of Sugar free cotton candy? You’re just sucking on a paper stick.
-J. Steven Collard

An evening at the Bells:
Farts are liquid laughter in its gaseous state.
-Kurt Collard

Texting Kurt:
I’m home. Have fun. I love you too Mom.
-Bio G. Albrecht

Zohan:
Despite all of the hetero innuendo, we are all a little gayer for having seen that...
-Kurt Collard

Soccer:
A tie may be a win for both teams, but it’s a loss for the fans.
-Kevin D. Bell

Running someone over by pushing the gas instead of the break:
It’s just really sad when natural selection gets the wrong one.
-Aaron C. Bell

Reprimand:
Stop that! I know what you’re doing. (Pause) Wait, you don’t know what you’re doing.
-Kasi Olson

Another inconvenient truth:
Too much faith is being naive. 
-Bio G. Albrecht

The apology: 
I’m not trying to be a bitch, I just am.
-Kasi Olson

The long weekend:
I got Monday off and I got my pantsess off!
-J. David Collard

Tough Love:
I don’t want to knock this guy, but I think he’s an idiot.
-Christopher G. Albrecht

Incentive: 
Religion is like Santa Clause of adults. ‘Be good, or no presents in the after life.’
-Kevin D. Bell

Warnings:
You might want to duck; I’m not very good at throwing things.
-Brett K.

Being late: 
It’s a good thing we didn’t tell them six, they might have missed the fireworks.
-Kate Hellewell

Neither are our ways His ways:
Singing is the worst part of church. -Mark; I thought it was the boredom. -Kurt
-Mark & Kurt Collard

Rumors, Excuses and Lies:
These are my ‘R’ rated movies. I’m not hiding them. I just don’t have enough room and I have to cut out a section of something. 
-Mom Collard

Sacrament: 
Now suddenly they have to break twise as much bread because people can take the sacrament again.
-Kevin D. Bell

Here comes Trouble...
Hey, when I get my motorcycle we’re gonna have to go raise heck. -Steven; Around here we raise Hellewells. -Ryan
-Ryan Hellewell and Steven Collard

A People Person:
Anybody on the freeway ahead of me I hate. Anybody in front of me in line, but other than that I don’t hate people.
-J. David Collard

Saying hello to Colt:
Dang it, you totally aren’t my girlfriend that I just cut off. You do have a nice butt too though.
-Aaron C. Bell

Politically Correct:
African American or Blacks... I don’t call myself Caucasian...
-Sarah D. Hill

Wyatt’s wedding: 
They’ll make a cute bride and bride.
-Aaron C. Bell

Salad: 
Hey, if you can only eat a little bit, eat the stuff that I don’t like.
-Kevin D. Bell

The Advanced Degree:
One thing they don’t teach you, that I haven’t learned anywhere, is how to spell.
-Christopher George Albrecht

Fathering Children:
Are your kids all up on their shots? -Ian; (shrugs) I don’t know, that’s a woman’s job. -Ryan; Yeah, we just make’em then the women take over. If we run into’em again we eat’em. They’re just competitors on the food chain. -Steven
-Ian, Ryan and Steven

Easter Candy: 
All the chocolate’s gone? Hmmm, well it’s just the stuff I feed to my scouts then.
-J. David Collard

Presidential Elections:
It’s because of people like me that they developed the Electoral College, but I think we can all agree that, that has failed.
-Kurt Collard

A kind word:
Jeez Tye, you eat one more ice cream and you’ll be able to rest that glass on your stomach. -Melissa; I can kind of do that already. -Tye
-Tye Harrison and Girl-Aaron

Sabbath day Television:
You make people miserable and they can’t do anything about it, just like God.
-Homer J. Simpson 

Play on words:
Puns are fun. -Kurt; Yeah, they’re punny. -Mark; Yup, puns of fun! -Steven; Oh man, is this gonna go on all day? -Bryana
-Kurt, Mark, Steven & Bryana Collard

Damn it all!
We put the “lard” in Collard.
-J. Steven Collard

Casual Sex Friday:
There’s no traffic on the freeway because everyone’s trying to get it on.
-‘kenzie Wintle

Cursed:
[Kevin] you are going to hell. And you are going to be brown there!
-Kasi Olsen

Finder's Keeper's:
Boo, don’t eat it, mine! -Aaron; You hid it in the junk food drawer and thought I wouldn’t find it? -Kevin
-The Brothers Bell

Spaghetti:
Ruffin, I don’t hate noodles! They’re just not a substitute for food.
-J. David Collard

Joke's on you...
There sure are a lot of things God’s not telling us.
-Kevin D. Bell

The ol' water hole:
Yeah, well pee’s a little different than pooh; pee doesn’t float.... So uh, I caught some fish out of there today and ate ‘em... they were brown trout.
-J. Steven Collard

Dudes & Chicks:
Inviting girls to the activity... The down side is that it cuts out the farting, but on the plus side it also cuts down on the gas.
-Kurt N. Collard

Dralloc.com
Hey Ma, listen to this quote... [quote] -Kurt; That was a terrible quote! Where do you get these awful quotes? -Mom; Um, I wrote it. Thanks Mom... -Kurt
-Kurt & his loving mother

The Invite:
Melanie doesn’t want me to. -Well what did you want me to say?- Hold on guys. I’m gonna have to call you back.
-Mark Hill

Teaching in church:
There are a lot of dole people in this church. Just because one of them ridiculed you doesn’t mean that you should feel bad.
-Mark D. Collard

Chick Flicks:
Anytime that one chick and Matthew McConaughey get together something boring’s about to happen.
-Kevin D. Bell

The Shame:
How dare you use ‘kenzie as an excuse to not do something cool?
-Kurt N. Collard

Movies or Church:
You guys don’t understand the commandment. It says ‘keep the Sabbath day holy.” It says nothing about Sunday! We get to chose which day we ‘take holy’ -which has a far more fluid meaning than you guys are giving it.
-Kurt N. Collard

Friendship:
That’s not true. People love my peer pressure!
-Kurt N. Collard

Who's pulling the strings:
Also, if I had puppets, and I don’t, there wouldn’t be mandatory arts and crafts, and all (hot) women would wear bikinis all the time. And it would be WAY more fun than ‘kenzie’s “No soccertennis” puppet show!
-Kurt N. Collard

Temptress:
I told ‘kenzie that she was devil’s spot, but that it was okay because I liked kids 🙂
-Kurt N. Collard

Idaho Drivers:
That’s the thing about moving to Idaho. It takes six hours to move up there, but nine hours to drive back.
-Kurt N. Collard
  
Institute:
Nothing can make a retard stop burping.
-Kevin D. Bell

Attraction:
Come on [‘kenzie] you can come think the waiters are cute.
-Kevin D. Bell

...the spoken word, the spent arrow...
You should have come... all the waitresses are in bikinis. You would have liked it.
-‘kenzie Wintle 

Mother's Intuition:
Yup, I was hungry. Thanks for letting me know (Mommy).
-Mason K. Hellewell

Temptation:
Does heavy porn mean fat chicks? If that is the case then I have no problem avoiding it like the plague. It is the light stuff that is the  concern.
-J. Steven Collard

When times get rough:
Hold on to sex ‘kenzie!
-Kevin D. Bell

Parapraxis:
Hey Bryana, what’s your natural hair color? -Steven; I’m a dirty blonde. -Bryana; I know that, but what’s your hair color? -Steven
-Steven and Bryana

Guys like girls with skills:
I’m actually pretty good and guessing gay.
-‘kenzie

The sum of all fears:
Simple math... Ward of unattractive girls plus ward of unattractive girls equals big ward of unattractive girls.
-Aaron C. Bell

Choir introductions:
... and speaking of dairy cows...
-Kevin D. Bell

Sledding:
Well you tell Kevin that it's cold outside and it's hard to walk uphill.
-Casey S. Corbridge

When nerds love:
I heart you. You are the science vessel of my fleet.
-Wyatt Kennah

Sophistication:
I often think about wearing a pocket watch, but I'm a gym shorts kind of guy.
-Mark

Occupational hazards:
You can always tell a salesman when you see him. There’s just some ora about him. Either he just sinned, or he’s a salesman.
-J. Steven Collard

Well duh:
If you spell boob backward you get boob. I believe there was a creation and perfection in it.
-Wyatt Kennah

Silence following a joke:
What a jerk, she should have more appreciation for your talents.
-Sarah Hill

Sunday School:
I felt like I ran a marathon, but didn’t burn any calories.
-Kevin D. Bell

God's honest truth:
A body role is only sexy if your body doesn’t have roles.
-J. Steven Collard

Intentions:
I was gonna drive over and stop there on my way home, but I forgot and ended up here instead.
-J David Collard

Deep regrets:
I’m just trying to get through life without hurting anyone very badly. Well, I did break a lot of hearts when I was young and handsome, but that’s just something that I have to live with.
-J. David Collard

Dew-Gooding:
I feel good, but I don’t think it was the service (tapping the can); I think it was the Dew.
-Christopher G. Albrecht

Speaking in Church:
Yeah, he didn’t get any laughs the first time, so he rephrased it. Never a good idea.
-J. Steven Collard

BFFs:
Tall blond [with a] short brunette, each one thinks ‘she makes me look hot.’
-Kevin D. Bell

Technology:
I don’t thing she understands how phones work. The trick is that when you talk on the phone, you don’t have to talk loud enough for the person to hear you in the other location.
-Mark D. Collard

When good jokes go bad:
Damn dog! -Kurt; Don’t say that, especially about your dog -Mom; It was supposed to be funny. -Kurt; Well it wasn’t -Mom; I’m aware. -Kurt
-Mom and Kurt Collard

E for Effort:
I give you an “E” for E-diota.
-Mark D. Collard

Morality:
Luckily friendship trumps integrity, so...
-Kasi Richards

Been there...
Sometimes when nobody laughs at my joke, I assume that they didn’t hear and rephrase it.
-J. Steven Collard

Boys night:
I wouldn't want to watch a romantic movie with any other group of guys.
-Aaron C. Bell

Misquotation:
“I’m en’gay’ged!” -Wyatt; “Ha ha, Wyatt’s gay.” -Sarah; “Kurt, I’ll slap your bottom for this when next I see you!” -Wyatt
-Wyatt, Sarah

Institute:
No, but seriously, who wants to be in heaven with these people?
-Kasi Richards

A test of strength:
You know what sound to make when it hurts.
-Mark D. Collard

Filibuster:
Oh, he didn’t talk in a circle. He never made it all the way around.
-J. David Collard

The Talk:
Does sex make you healthy, like does it burn calories and get you in shape? -Kurt; No, only married sex is good for you. Premarital sex makes you fat. -Ruth
-Collard Family

Impossibility:
I didn’t think I’d ever say it, but I kind of regret eating a hotdog.
-Kevin D. Bell

Chastisement:
Nice sun glasses Mom. -Mark; They’re not sunglasses, they’re solar shields dear. -Ruth
-Collard Family

Commandments:
Is that why they invented tithing, so we wouldn’t be able to have money for beer?
-Kevin D. Bell

Kevin's Porch:
I’d rather sit anywhere than my house. If you’re sitting out, you’re doing something, if you’re at home you’re not doing anything.
-Christopher G. Albrecht

Freud:
I’m sick and tired of you lower average intelligence people!
-Jonathan Krummenacher

Threatened Masculinity:
What? Wait! Watch this. I’m gonna go online and kill someone! I want you to know how manly I am.
-Brett Krummenacher

The Sabbath day:
Going with your friends to church for spiritual enlightenment is like hanging out with people from church for social enlightenment.
-Kevin D. Bell

Missed Opportunities:
I think I would inject punk rock into my veins if I could.
-Christopher G. Albrecht

Arrogant Membership:
Yeah, cause we can’t be the only stake in heaven.
-Ruth (Mom) Collard

Naming the Scooter Gang:
Collard clux clan, Boot scooters, Monster hogs or Natural gas.
-J. Steven Collard

Sincerity:
I went over and was being a bitch and they basically told me I was.
-‘kenzie Wintle

Intellect:
You don’t need brain spells to be as smart as am I.
-Aaron C. Bell

Night at the Theater:
What movies have you seen? -Kurt; Just queer ones. -Roger
-Roger Bell and Kurt Collard

Lagoon:
What is it, Trailer park day? -Kasi; Yeah, if you bring a picture of your house you get a discount. -‘kenzie; Bring your house and get in for free. -Aaron
-Inspired by Lagoon

Special Skills:
Ambi-sex-strous
-Mark D. Collard

Good Times:
Partially naked, but full nudity and I can spell all of those words.
-Mark D. Collard

True Use of Magic:
If you’re Harry Potter why would you summon butter-beer when you could have root-beer floats?
-J. David (Dad) Collard

A Casual Glance:
Kurt, eyes up here. 
-Wyatt Kennah

Disappointment:
Replace it with a finger? That would be thoroughly unsatisfying.
-Kasi Richards

Singles Wards:
I know that there are a lot of people here only to get married.
-Kevin D. Bell

The Post-Mission Life:
Rush home ‘nd marry the first female you see ‘nd get started making babies.
-Kevin D. Bell

Motivation:
Let me tell you something: I was my wife’s hometeacher.
-Brother Weaver

Commitment:
Not ever again for a little bit.
-Heather Collard

The Return of All Creation:
We’d be gone so fast! ‘Let’s build tools, chomp, chomp, chomp.’
-Aaron C. Bell

Miscommunication:
What! I took my sex home!
-Kasi

To Your Eternal Reward:
We’ll probably be sitting around board, because it is eternity... GLORY OF THE MOON FOR YOU BOY, TERRESTRIAL KINGDOM!!
-Kevin D. Bell

Moms:
If I say something stupid you can assume I meant it cool and then prays me because I’m awesome. 
-Ruth Collard 

Social issues:
What? Just call her fat and then she won’t want to talk to you anymore. 
-Wyatt Kennah 

Despair:
For just a moment I thought those two vinegar bottles were root-beer bottles and I was happy. 
-J David Collard 

Spouse:
They (the Mormon boys) all want the perfect Molly Mormon right outta the kitchen. 
-Kayci 

Inexplicable:
I took advantage of Gay Nate when he asked me to come down on him...
-Kurt Collard 

The creative mind:
If ever you find that you’ve been kidnapped and returned safely, it didn’t happen... Na, I can see a little crazy in all of us. 
-Mark D. Collard 

Third:
He’s one of the one thirds. Damn one thirds! 
-Bio 

Adorable:
I love angry Asians! 
-Aaron Bell 

Birthday gifts:
What should I get Wyatt for his birthday? -Randi; A wedgie or a squirrel tap. I'm getting him a wet willy! -Kurt; You’re less help than Kevin! -Randi; Doubt that. -Kurt; Seriously, what did you get Wyatt for his birthday? Kevin said gum. -Randi; I seriously didn’t get him anything, but if you talk to Kevin again, ask him if he wants to go halvesies with me on that gum. -Kurt 
-Kurt 'n Randi 

Feminism:
Astronomy? [No] thanks, I’ll stick to arts and crafts. 
-Brian Weeks 

Promiscuity:
Wait, what does that mean? I mean I know what that word means, but what do you mean? 
-Ruth (Mom) Collard 

Politics:
The liberal shows are funnier. -Brian; That’s because you don’t have to take them serious. -Aaron H. 
-Brian Weeks; Aaron Hubbard 

Texting:
No more unprotected text. 
-Ginger Franzen 

Physique:
Well, if going on a mission was social death, is returning from your mission like being resurrected? -Ruth Collard; Well, sort of. I mean, I’ve already got my perfect body, but I’m still waiting on my glory. 
-J. Steven Collard 

Dieting:
Diets are for losers. You don’t want to lose. You want to win. That is what I am doing. I am winning weight. 
-J. Steven Collard 

Good food and good friends:
You’ve got the choice between good food and ‘kenzie, what do you do? -Randi; I’m trying to find a way to combine the two. If I could just eat ‘kenzie. -Kevin 
-Cousins Bell & Bell-ish 

Heavenly Mother: 
I created your spirits and I can just as easily destroy them! 
-Kevin D. Bell 

Morality:
It’s not polygamy if it’s family. 
-J. Steven Collard 

Dating:
She talks as much as I do! -Kurt; You’ll never find one like that. If that’s one of your priorities you might as well be gay. -Steven 
-Collard Brothers 

Drinking:
Sure Kurt, [it wasn’t your fault]. Next time order vodka and see if they accidentally bring you one. 
-Kevin D. Bell 

Quoting:
Is that actually true, [text messages] get stuck in satellites? (Laughter) You’re going to quote me? He lied to me. That should be a better quote! 
-Ruth (Mom) Collard 

Youth: 
When you were little you weren’t big.
-Ruth (Mom) Collard 

Virginity:
I’m the only one who’s not still a virgin. -Steven; Feel left out don’t you. -Kurt; We’ve got our own club, with a few other people our age and children. -Mark 
-Collard brothers 

Motherly love:
Maybe he wanted to talk about sex with his brothers and he can’t you two better get married soon to help a brother out. You can still live at home, if you want. 
-Ruth (Mom) Collard 

Action: 
I have to say again: Good work last night, though in some respects I guess you were puttin’ out instead of gettin’ some. 
-Kurt Collard 2007 

Morals:
Use'em or loose'em. 
-Brian J. Weeks 

Alcohol: 
Alcohol makes me pee. 
-Brian J. Weeks 

Superman: 
After describing the bullet smashing into Superman's eye, with the bullet and shell falling to the ground together: "Did he blink? That usually makes me blink" 
-J. David Collard 

Tears:
Okay, you didn’t cry, but you had watery discharge from your optical sensory units. 
-Kevin D. Bell 2007

Hometeaching:
You can't spiritually feed someone on an empty stomach.
-Tye B Harrison 2006

Confidence:
The difference between confidence and cocky is that a confident person builds up those around him because he is great with them, while a cocky person tares down those around him because he is only great in comparison to them.
-Tye B Harrison 2003

Parents:
Dad, you like look like a cute old man in a wheel chair that nobody's pushed around for a while.
-Ruth Collard 2006

Dialog:
Dave, all of those words are on your list of words you can't say.
-Ruth Collard 2006

Advice:
Advice is generally worth its weight in gold, nothing.
-Mark D. Collard 2005

Relationships:
I had to break up with my girlfriend for religious reasons. I'm a Mormon and she's a bitch, so it wasn't working out.
-Ian D. Van Natter 2006

Optimism:
It's common knowledge that saying a glass is half empty is being pessimistic, but is it pessimistic or optimistic to say that a girl is half naked?
-Mark D. Collard 2006

Alcohol:
Nothing like a little poison to put the mind at ease.
-Ian D. Van Natter 2006

Internetting:
How many of us would sincerely kneel before a golden calf? Not one of us.  We wouldn't even bat an eye at it. We've got something else to bat an eye at.
-Christopher G. Albrecht (Bio) 2006

Drugs:
There are a lot of rumors around about marijuana, but if anything my memory has improved.
J. Ian Beck 2006

Television:
Every channel another chapter in the world's best book.
-J. Steven Collard 2002

Success:
It's great to see people succeed, but it's better to watch them fail.
-C. Kyler Smith 2007

Reality:
Sometimes I do and say things that compromise my intelligence.
-Casey S. Corbridge 2002

Church attendance:
I've been doing my best and then Satan countered with the worst lesson ever!
-Kevin D. Bell 2007

Friendship:
When you bring in outsiders you become an outsider.
-Christopher G. Albrecht 2006

The Gospel:
I'm sick of having a testimony and a conscience and I'm mad about all that the plan of salvation requires that you do.
Christopher G. Albrecht 2005

Affection:
Bastard
-Aaron C. Bell 2006

Halle Berry:
That's the type of movie you watch on mute.
Aaron Hubbard 2006